Who do you talk to when you lead others?

It has been one of those days.

A difficult conversation with a colleague. A decision that needs to be made, even though you don’t have the full picture. Information you know will affect others, but can’t share with them yet.

On your way home, your thoughts keep going. You replay the conversation, wondering whether you said too much, too little, or perhaps the wrong thing altogether.

You walk through the door and someone asks how your day has been. Suddenly, it all comes out. Not necessarily the details, you know you need to keep those to yourself, but the frustration, the worry and all those thoughts that haven’t quite found a place to land.

It’s human. Sometimes you just need to say things out loud.

But the people around your dinner table may not always be the right sounding board. They know you, care about you and want to help. At the same time, they see the situation through their relationship with you. They don’t have the full picture either, and perhaps they shouldn’t.

So, who do you talk to?

When you know more than you can share

As a leader, you are often entrusted with information that others don’t yet have. It might be a change being planned, someone struggling in their role or a decision that hasn’t been discussed with everyone concerned.

You are expected to handle that information with care, while also making sense of it yourself and deciding what to do. It can be a lonely place, even when you have colleagues, friends and family around you.

Having responsibility doesn’t mean you always know exactly what to do with it. Sometimes you need someone to listen while you work through your thoughts. Someone who can help you separate what you know from what you assume, and from how you feel about the situation.

You don’t always need advice. Sometimes you need the space to finish a thought.

“I’ll deal with it later”

Of course, another option is not to talk about it at all. You put the thought aside and move on to the next meeting, the next decision and the next thing on your list.

I sometimes think of it as a little box of denial. It’s where we put the things we don’t quite have the time or energy to deal with right now. We close the lid and tell ourselves, I’ll deal with it later.

And sometimes that’s exactly what we need to do. Not every thought needs our attention immediately. The question is what happens to the ones that keep coming back.

They might resurface on the way home, in the middle of the night or during your next conversation with the same person. The situation may have passed, but something about it has stayed with you. That might be a good moment to open the box and take a closer look at what’s inside.

Looking beyond the situation itself

When I meet leaders in coaching conversations, they often start by telling me about something specific. A comment someone made in a meeting. A decision that caused frustration. A conversation that didn’t go as planned.

That’s where we begin. But then I like to stay with it a little longer.

What was happening for you? Why did that particular comment make you so irritated? Was it the words themselves, or did the situation remind you of something you had experienced before? And what might your reaction teach you?

The same goes for the moments that feel good. A conversation in which you felt at ease, a decision you were proud of or a meeting where you felt you were at your best. What made the difference? Is there something in that experience you would like to carry forward and make more room for?

This is where reflection becomes useful to me. We do more than look back at what happened. We become a little more curious about ourselves and begin to understand our reactions. That understanding can help us make more conscious choices next time.

Someone to think with

A good sounding board doesn’t need to have all the answers. But it does need to be someone you trust, someone who listens, is willing to ask questions and doesn’t have their own agenda in what you share.

It might be a mentor, an experienced colleague outside your organisation or a professional coach. What matters is that the conversation gives you room to be honest, including when you’re uncertain.

Sometimes it helps simply to hear yourself put words to what you’ve been carrying. Sometimes you need someone to pause and say, Hang on. What happened there?

Read also: When you know it’s time to leave, but can’t say anything yet